Sit and Spin

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As of tomorrow I will have completed fifty-six orbits of the sun.  Spinning once per day on the earth at an approximate distance of 24,000 miles per rotation, I have spun around on virtually the same spot over 20,400 times.  I have traveled an estimated total of 490,560,000 miles without once leaving the planet – and that’s only the planet’s rotation.  Not the orbit.  The orbital distance calculated in miles is an astounding 32,760,000,000 miles!  I have traveled an estimated total of 33,250,560,000 miles just spinning around on the earth around the sun.  Damn!

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Imagine that.  I have come all of this incredible distance just by standing on planet Earth.  I did it without really doing anything at all, just  by hanging out.  But wait, it gets better.  If you factor the orbit of the earth, the movement of the solar system in its galactic rotation as well as the up and down oscillation of the solar system within the plane of the galaxy and the distance traveled by the galaxy in space, you come to unreasonable, fantastically huge distances that mean absolutely nothing at all to a rational human being.  They’re just huge numbers.  Incomprehensible.

It’s no wonder I’m so exhausted.

It’s been quite the ride.  Funny, though, how everything spins in orbits.  Apparently, spinning is a natural and popular way for denizens of the universe to get around.  And if there’s anyone that knows how to spin, it’s me.  It only took one of my many talents to become an expert.

That talent is to do nothing at all while in complete ignorance of what is actually happening around me.  That’s what started my mental health spinning out of control, in the wrong direction and absolutely too fast for my liking.  Not paying attention.

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An effect of the sheer size of the universe is that things seem to move in slow motion.  For example, if the earth is roughly 24,000 miles in diameter and spins once on its axis per day, then we are standing still and moving at 1,000 miles per hour at the same time.

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Boy, do I know that feeling.  Standing still and moving fast.  Thought you knew what was going on in your life only to realize you didn’t.  Making bad decisions on good faith that blow up in your face.  Believing that someone loves you only to find that person simply didn’t love you.  Empowering others only to find you’re completely used up and wondering how it happened.  Hurry up and wait.

Well.  Turning fifty-six is just another rotation.  It’s unimportant.  It’s me and 100,000 other people doing the same thing on the same day.  We share an occurrence, nothing more.

Other May 18 News: According to Chinese astrology, we are Yin Fire Roosters.  Back in 1957 when I was born, the amazing one-and-only Eleanor Roosevelt attended a wonderful party only to have the host fail to make it because he had a stroke.  Mount St. Helens blew its top in 1980, destroyed its volcanic cone and killed a lot of people with the result that it then brought nutrients and new life to the surface of the earth.

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Get it?  Coincidence and intention.  Love, hate, up, down, yin, yang, life, death.

Since I first knew I was bipolar it’s been an awareness of this duality of nature and duality of spirit that has been a hallmark of my thinking.  When you’re steeped in pain and confusion, you can find freedom from those states by working to swing the pendulum.  All you need is to give a good push in the other direction.

You’re the one that created the pain and you’re the one that created the confusion in the first place.  So if you push the pendulum to its opposite position by working on stopping the pain and confusion, then you’re doing what comes naturally by allowing the swing in the other direction.  But when you’re bipolar you very well might need some help doing the pushing.

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When it comes to pushing back negativity and focusing on positive change the task can be difficult.  Maybe you’ve never had to do it.  Maybe you’re uncertain how to approach a swinging pendulum.  Maybe you’re unable to match the rhythm of the swing.  But if you don’t learn how you’ll never get your life back in motion.  The pendulum will just hang in the air in front of you.  It will not continue to move.  You will defy the natural laws of gravity and momentum and never, ever change.

Non-movement is stagnation.  No change is non-movement.  No change means an end to the natural progression of life.

I just kept sitting and spinning.  I know that lack of will to change.  I know that feeling of hopelessness.  If you can’t make the change of direction happen then you must get help.  If you don’t, well, you’ll never know how it feels to watch forward momentum change your life.

I am doing what I can to make this happen for myself and it is only recently that the pendulum of my life has begun to swing back toward the positive.  And if I have learned anything in all these earthly rotations it’s that the rotation doesn’t stop.  It’s the arrow of time.  The forward motion of everyone and everything else keeps going whether or not you’re a cognizant, feeling and active part of it.  If you’ve fixated on the stopped pendulum you can’t move forward with others.  You are excluding yourself.

Isolation is a dangerous way to live.  As a species on this whirling planet we are best when we live within a loving social group.  Hallmark of primates, that.  And exclusion causes so many different nasty effects – misunderstanding, alienation, distrust, self-loathing, anger … the list goes on and on.

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So for my birthday tomorrow, we’re going to have some family and friends over and we’re all going to smack that pendulum in the other direction together.  I’m going to cook.  I’m going to include myself, make every effort to enjoy myself and most importantly, live in the moment.

Being a Yin Fire Rooster, I checked my I Ching today to ask how my attitude is best cultivated for tomorrow’s birthday dinner so that I have a good time.  Of course I take no real stock in such things and since I can’t do any ‘fortune telling’ I thought hey, what the hell, let the I Ching do it.  And of course in cosmic weirdness it said to Be Here Now.  Empty your ego and live entirely in the moment at hand.

Okay.  Wow.  Maybe that’s some pretty good advice.  I’ll just sit back on my dizzying rotating planet traveling at 1,000 miles an hour and relax.  Live in the moment at hand and make change happen.  Wait for the pendulum to swing the other way.  Watch the stars come out as I spin on the surface of my home in the Milky Way while sitting perfectly still.

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