It’s been three days that I’ve been growling. And I don’t like that at all. I’ve been doing everything I can to stop growling at everyone but it’s no use. Sometimes a dog’s got to growl.
It isn’t that I’m mad at other people. I could be, but that’s not it. And it isn’t because I’m angry for some really good reason. Apparently I’ve just screeched to a halt, hairs on the back of my neck all the way up, every sense fine-tuned to pick up the slightest scent of bullcrap.
It’s not going well.
I don’t like myself when this happens. As I outlined in my blog yesterday, it;’s all a process of learning acceptance of your emotions and finding a way to defuse the situation, to learn from it and to move forward in a positive way.
But right now, well, it seems almost impossible. In my head I know it’s completely possible to change my attitude but in my chest, I’m one big-ass barking dog trying to bite the mailman.
I wish I could blame someone else for my foul mood. Or something else. The weather, my being tired, you, my mother, my failed attempts to find work — you name it, I’ll blame it.
But I know that’s wrong. This mood isn’t anyone’s problem but mine, and I’m the one that has to deal with this mood and its consequences. This mood is my responsibility, and I hate that.
So, where do I begin? What’s the first step to change this mood from dismal to delightful, from somber to successful, from cranky to creative? First and foremost — review my notes, re-read website pages that might help, think about the discussions on this topic that I’ve had in therapy; the list goes on. But I don’t want to deal with any of it today so of course, I have to do my very best to change it. So, is there something that I can do to center myself and relax?
Why, yes there is, and maybe more than one. Perhaps these suggestions might help.
I can sit back and write a note to place in a bottle and cast into the sea, hoping that someday someone across the sea will find and read it and have the good sense to send the Coast Guard or Navy to come to my rescue.
Oh, wait, bad idea. That takes way too much time and besides, I don’t know who will show up or when. That could be a mistake. What if I don’t have enough coconuts on the island to spell out HELP for the search planes?
I suppose I could hope that the Man of Steel happens to fly by and with his superpowers manages to find me in the middle of the Cranky Ocean. But you know, that guy’s pretty busy. He’s stopping all those nuclear explosions, nixing the plans of criminal masterminds and making sure that Lois Lane gets home in time to change her lingerie. I don’t think there’s a good chance of being saved by a Kryptonian.
I could hope that our friends from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota manage to locate where I am and save me. Rocky’s always flying around, right? Bullwinkle constantly stumbles into everything and everyone. Mr. Peabody and Sherman might be able to deduce where I am, or Mr. Wizard might just cast his ‘Time for this one to come home’ spell and whisk me back to society. But all these heroes, as wonderful, imaginary or animated as they may be, won’t likely find me.
My therapist has given me some instruction — yes, I allow her to instruct me, because I sure need instruction — and she suggested this site to download mindfulness exercises. I haven’t done them yet because, well, I just found them yesterday. But I think she’s on to something here. If I need to be ‘re-centered’, then perhaps the first thing to do is to relax and re-think where I need to be. If mental and physical relaxation techniques are a good way to be more mindful, then I’m having at it today. It’s time to turn this ship around.
All kidding aside, I’m going to download the exercises from the site and really give them a shot. To be frank, I’m not very good at relaxing so as weird as it sounds I’m going to have to really concentrate on doing something that I’m completely unfamiliar with: being quiet. Tomorrow I’ll report on how it all went. And if you do these exercises, share your experience with me.
But first, I guess I should turn off the Zeppelin songs.