Hanging On In Quiet Desperation

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I have a task before me that in most ways and by most people considered dangerous: I have to make a new life.

Making a new life is not easy.  It’s scary, insecure, uncertain.  It’s a task filled with anxiety and as someone who suffers from plenty of anxiety already it could mean making a mess of all of the work I’ve done to limit the anxiety in my life.  But at some point there are decisions to be made.

There are things that must be accomplished no matter what level of insecurity I’m at, no matter what uncertainties I face.

Today I was turned down for yet another job for which I am highly qualified.  It is most unfortunate but then again, it happens all the time.  But I’m coming to believe that this search is nothing short of fruitless and more ridiculous with each attempt.  Oh, I could rail, yell and scream about the injustice of it all, protest that I am the best and how dare they ignore my capabilities.  I’ve written all about these things more than enough times in this blog.

But this was different.  This was the closest I had come to landing the job.  Am I upset?  Well, that goes without saying.  But what should be said here is that I haven’t to this point given up no matter how bleak the circumstance, no matter how depressing and difficult it has been.  And now, all of that needs to change.  It seems that giving up might be just the thing to do.

If I am going to be that person who has fallen through the cracks, then I need to understand just where it is I have landed.  If I am going to be the person who without regard to talent and ability is going to end up in the proverbial ‘wastebasket’, then I think it’s time to change focus and stop pretending that traditional employment is a real solution for me.  If I am going to be a person that lives on the edge of poverty, the edge of society, the edge of culture, then I need to understand the new dynamic, the new paradigm.

Thing is, I have no idea what all this means.  What has changed so drastically with me that to date no one will hire me?  What is different about this society and its rules that I somehow have become disposable?  How can I understand what has happened if no potential employer will enlighten me as to why the rejections happen?  And most importantly, what happens to my future if no one will allow me to work for a living?

Believe me, I’m not crying boo hoo, poor me.  I’m baffled.  I just want to understand all of this so I can move on.  Was being ill the nail in the coffin?  Why is there seemingly no chance to let me step up and contribute?

Well, this song says it all and sums up pretty much l how I feel right about now.  If you know the song, listen to it in your head or hell, crank it up on your gear.

 


TIME

Written by Mason, Waters, Wright, Gilmour
from The Dark Side of the Moon

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. 

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I’d something more to say.

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