Dear Rest of the World


I’d like you all to know that you cannot judge Americans solely on their inability to be quiet in a nice restaurant, or for wearing flip-flops to dressy events. You can’t judge a whole country just by the few that rankle – which brings me to the reason for this letter.

We love our country, we really do, but there’s been some sort of miasma that’s descended on us, some sort of haze that’s gone into our brains. We would all like to think ourselves a brainy, get-up-and-go sort of people, but I’m thinking that image is kind of outdated. We’ve become complacent. We like everything spoon fed to us so that we don’t have to understand anything for ourselves. We like to be pampered, we like everything shallow, and preferably super-sized. Apparently that refers to our choice in political leadership, too.

Please realize that this doesn’t apply to the majority of the people in this country. The majority of us voted for Hillary Clinton, who actually worked on the pursuit of good relations with the world, unlike the winner of this recent election, who would rather tweet you the news that he’s sending some bombs your way because you are ‘bad’ or ‘terrible’ since you managed to piss him off for some stupid and inexplicable reason he’s concocted.


You might think that all of us in the U.S.A. are just flat out nuts, but that’s not so; only some of us are, and a great many of us are just as bewildered as the rest of the world at how this moron managed to get to the top of the political heap.

We don’t understand how someone who can’t spell can achieve the high station of the presidency. We don’t like him, you know. We may seem confused but the majority of us were looking for someone sane to talk to your people.

So I, on behalf of myself but echoing the sentiments of many Americans, would like to ask for a few favors.

Please, when this moron coming into power insults you, take a look at who’s doing the insulting. I mean for God’s sake the guy can’t take a crap unless someone compliments his outsized ego.

The only thing that matters to him is money, and most of us don’t have any thanks to the corporations he represents. Therefore, he really doesn’t consider us worthy of attention (unless we were able to shit dollars. That might perk him up).

Please, when we come to your embassies seeking political asylum because we just can’t live in a country that’s fascist, please don’t point and laugh and say, “I told you so!”. That’s almost as cruel as how we treat Syrian refugees, or Mexicans.

We do have feelings, you know.  Or at least some of us do.

Lastly, please don’t think that we all want to fuck over everyone on the planet. We don’t. We’re just as fucked as you are. Maybe we deserve it, maybe we don’t. Just believe me when I tell you that this situation won’t be forever.

Someday soon the moron will do or say something so outrageous that his own supporters will throw his ass in the street. Or we will soon have another election where a sane person comes to the White House. No matter which it is, this idiot being crowned this coming Friday is only holding the scepter for a miniscule moment in American history.

Those of us who want peace will work harder than ever to make up for the damage these assholes do. That’s the best we can offer.

I hope you forgive us for this travesty. Please, send help. No, seriously.





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