I am never far from sadness. Ever.
The acceptance of our losses is an epic battle, one fought in the heart and mind, one whose internal scars and wounds are not always so easy to see in others but is all too often the centerpiece of our concentrated emotions, set in gold, front and center on the altar of our soul.
I approach loss, the feelings hopelessness and injustice, the self-directed, constant and ever so destructive self-recrimination differently each time they appear and proclaim their challenge.
Sometimes I am lucky and when the wounds reopen, I am armed with the weapons of critical perspective and the grace that I will, after a short skirmish, emerge victorious once again and return to quiet and the pursuit of the betterment of my soul.
But the battle can be one of nearly complete destruction. We are at times unprepared for the onslaught and the sadness and depression that kicks down the battlements we have in place as easily as a child stomping a sand castle. It is then that we come near peril. There is nothing to be done but stand and take the rain of arrows pointed directly at our hearts until we fall.
If we have hope and have people of good will about us, the chances of surviving the onslaught increase exponentially.
I am currently working on a second book and the title is very telling: Confessions of a Traveler: Finding My Way on an Unknown Planet. It is not a simple thing to write nor should it be so. It is primarily the account of reentering the world and a celebration of those remarkable people of good will who found me and guided me back toward life.
Intentional or not, these people did something I thought could not have nor have deserved: they came to my defense and brought me from being wounded on the battlefield to finding succor and health.
Adversity is like a strong wind. I don’t mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be.”
— Nitta Sayuri, Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
My hope is that I can show everyone that what I most needed was to embrace the world again, and the only way that was to happen was to have guides and teachers to show me how to let that happen and not fight the world, but hold my flag high and get back into the fight. They show me purpose. They show me possibilities rather than forcing me to continually revisit my failings.
I am grateful beyond measure to those who understand me and know that all things are temporary, all roads are connected, and all I need do is trust myself.
That’s how you win.